My life dramatically changed almost five months ago and it hangs with me everywhere I go. My friends and family have been awesome but there is a sadness around me that I cannot shake. I am always greeted with warm loving hugs and am truly grateful, yet I wonder when I can get back to some sort of normal. I try to be upbeat, embrace life and maybe even forget for the slightest moment, but that heaviness in my heart is constant. Robin was such a big part of me, we were so intertwined and connected, it is just still very hard to believe he is gone. These are frequent thoughts I have so when sadness creeps in, my secret pill is to just go run outside and get it out of my head.
Just taking off all bundled up with my podcasts and breathing the fresh air clears my mind and soul. I become grounded as I listen to Tim Ferris, Katie Couric or Guy Raz interview people on various topics keeps me focused and engaged. The noise in my head slows down and I enjoy nature and my surroundings and go to that quiet place to reframe.
I generally run on the weekend and for the last few times, I have been getting a late start, usually about 4 in the afternoon. It seems really peaceful and calming as I follow my typical route when no one is out. I compliment myself on capturing this magical moment and guard it as my own little secret. Of course, my thinking is flawed, due to a small technicality … Day Light Savings Time. As soon as I finally get my stride, darkness moves in quickly (I mean immediately) and next thing I know, I can’t see the sidewalk beneath my feet and it is pitch black and scary. Like out of a horror movie, I hear eerie music in my head. I pick up my pace and start running as fast I can while kicking in my survival skills which is my iPhone as a flashlight. I focus on deep breathing trying to calm down while ignoring my irrational fears of being hit by a car or chased by coyotes (many reports in my area). How quickly my Zen moment turned into a paranoid run for my life!
So being a girl that tries to embrace continuous improvement and also seeing many potential benefits in a later afternoon jog with some tweaks, I researched and bought a light that I could station on the top of my head to avoid another run of terror. It was exciting to receive my package from Amazon, insert the batteries and see how it worked. Without thinking, I stared directly at the light, turned it on and instantly realized that was a bad idea. I saw spots for about 15 minutes and probably caused retinal damage. But who is going to let a little blindness get in the way?
With my new night vision gear in hand, I am proud to report that I had a very nice late afternoon/evening run and enjoyed the Christmas lights and being outside – one with nature. Getting out and grounding myself helps me feel closer with Robin. It is the best remedy to turn my mood around and kick sadness to the side. The truth of the matter about my grieving journey is that the best way to heal is through the basics for me including rest, exercise, mindfulness and healthy eating (unfortunately have not adopted this one yet – for another blog). It is becoming evident that the typical go to vices such as shopping, vacations, boozing it up (although tempting) will not cure my broken heart. I just have to take one minute at a time, throw on my head light and run baby run..