It is commonly known that most people who have lost a loved one struggle with going through what the call the “firsts” be it a holiday, special occasion or some other event. It is true, I do sometimes get sad on a holiday but the date that is most difficult on me right now is the 23rd of each month. This was the date that Robin died and a constant reminder of the months that have gone by without him. It is hard to believe that it has been 7 months from that horrible day which will forever be etched in my mind. It’s strange though, as time goes by, my memories are getting fuzzy of our life together. It is almost like a healing process where the body softens the tragedy and starts distancing you from the pain. I had 24 years with him and just over a half year, I am accepting the changes and I guess surviving.
As I adjust and start having more good days than bad, it causes me to feel conflicted as I try to move forward without forgetting the past. Robin was my best friend, such a good guy and I love him very much. I do feel connected with him spiritually but I mourn the fact that he was denied a future.. not being able to raise his daughter or spend our golden years together. It does not seem fair that he is gone and makes me sad that he can’t enjoy more time with us. However on the other side, I am getting used to my new reality and the old life is fading a little bit. This is what is weird and causes guilt for me. I know he would want me to push on which I am trying to do but how do I incorporate him in on my journey and not minimize the significance he brought to our lives. I see others who have lost a loved one and they are stuck in the past and I don’t want that either. It is a delicate balance and not sure I have figured it out quite yet.
As I have mentioned several times, I do feel very connected with Robin, especially in my house. So over the last few months, I definitely like staying home rather than going out. Maybe because of the winter (which has been cold, snowy and grey) or maybe because I am becoming a recluse:( With that being said, I believe that I have developed a new embarrassing addiction… to Amazon. It started out subtle and slow, buying sporadic items like a pot, air filter or a hard to find tool. Now my purchases have expanded to full on essential home and personal items. I realized I had a problem when I ordered paper towels, Tums and dish soap a few weeks ago. I thought to myself, you are seriously sick and need to get your ass off the couch and go to the store. Of course that did not motivate me to get moving, it is so easy and convenient – just a click on my iPhone. What is more embarrassing is when others notice there is an issue. Isabelle asked me if everything was ok as she looked at the stacked boxes in the foyer. Deliveries come at all times and the neighbors must be wondering about my mental health. It is very evident that I have issues on trash day as my recycle bin overflows with Amazon boxes. I feel slightly guilty that I am overusing my allotted portion of one person’s carbon footprint and contributing to the downfall of our environment for future generations. Sorry kids… I hope you can forgive me ( I am recycling though:)
So let’s recap about my life and progress over the last few months… lost my husband, obsessed with my pugs, bought a stroller to walk them, ordering constantly from Amazon, showering a little less than I should admit and don’t leave the house that much… oh crap… maybe I am not doing that well after all!!! Yikes, I better do something immediately… I know… order a self help book off of Amazon… talk to you later.