Existential Crisis?

I had a relatively normal week with some moments to think. It was a good time to reflect what our lives were like one year ago, 9 months ago and now. Boy has there been a lot of change. I remember last year at this time, Isabelle was getting her license and preparing to going away for the whole summer.🌞It was going to be a real milestone for her and us. I was looking forward to spending time with Robin and for us to redefine our marriage. As most probably experience, we became wrapped up in our role as a parent. We sort of lost ourselves and became hyper focused on our her life. Is Isabelle happy? Will she be safe driving? Will she get into a good college? Will she find a group of friends to keep her fulfilled? Robin and I found most of our conversations revolving around day to day tasks and Isabelle’s well being. We stopped acting like free spirited twenty year olds who could do whatever we wanted and had the world by the balls. πŸŽΎπŸ€βšΎοΈ I longed for the time for us to get to know each other again and create chapter three of our lives. The summer of 2018 was a great memory for Robin and me. We were exploring more, trying new restaurants, tackling house projects and binge watching tv series we had missed. Parenting was out of our vernacular as we were silly and carefree. 😎πŸ€ͺπŸ₯³

In July when Robin died, it caught me by surprise. I suppose it should not have since I did see subtle signs that he may not have been feeling 100%. He would never share with me and I had to dig to get information. I tried to be intune with him but figured he was aging as I was too, and some things were not as sharp as they used to be. I do regret not paying a little better attention to what was going on with him. I was caught up in the fairy tale and just hope he was as happy as I was during our last few months together.πŸ§šπŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Isabelle and I made a good team as we coped with Robin’s death and moving forward. We definitely had our ups and downs but my main concern was making sure that Isabelle would be ok and could still find happiness and thrive without her dad. It was a rocky year with her as she continued to face challenges with school, friends and basketball (evil coach 😈) Everything was really hard…. it was like life would not throw her a bone. 🦴I had to be the head of the household, act strong and serve as a role model to my daughter. Survival was the name of the game and keeping one step ahead of all that may come at us was my goal.

Now, as we are moving in to Spring (at least hopefully — weather predictions says it is supposed to snow), and I see the flowers in bloom, I am noticing a new contentment in our house. We no longer are thinking about Robin’s absence on a daily basis. Instead we talk about the happy times, how grateful we were to have him and how he shaped our lives in a positive way. He was my one true love and I feel blessed to have a daughter that is just like him. I sense that he is around us like a warm hug pushing us forward. Isabelle has a new pep in her step. Her grades are getting better with the same ease as she enjoyed in the past. πŸ€“ She has a solid group of friends and enjoying BBYO again. πŸ‘―β€β™€οΈπŸ‘―β€β™€οΈπŸ‘―β€β™€οΈπŸ‘―β€β™€οΈShe is putting herself out there and trying to get back in the game. It’s really nice to see that we are not broken… we are finally seeing the light..β˜€οΈ

I have also started thinking what’s next and what is my purpose? I mean I am doing well on the mom front ( I think), trying to get my health on track (the eating is still an issue – ugh) and I am actually getting my mojo back at work. But as I buzz back in to my personal life, I am just different and feel like things are a little flat. I mean there is a whole scene here in Metro Detroit but it is a a bit boring to me. There are all these unwritten rules of how we are supposed to act, where we should be seen, the clothes we should be wear… I need to find new interests, meet people, who will challenge and thrill me and just mix it up. I know I have to learn from everything I have been through and not play it safe. I am just trying to figure out what’s next… I can definitely say it is a journey with no clue where I will end up! πŸ§˜πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Ok.. I don’t want to leave on a serious note and make you ponder about your life too… so let’s go shallow. I am sitting in the backyard trying to be all zen and deep with new age music playing and soaking in the sun. Next to me are my pugs and you would think it was so peaceful… WRONG!! My pug Ella is licking and humping Laura (other pug) which feels illegal like I should call the cops and get a restraining order. In addition, she is making that noise you hear when someone is kissing you with too much spit in their mouth or when something else is happening to you and it feels really good but the sound affects are unbearable (πŸ˜›πŸ‘…πŸ‘…πŸ™ˆπŸ™‰ I will leave it to your imagination). It is driving me bonkers and she is wrecking my vibe. Time to get the spray bottle .. my life very glamorous !

One thought on “Existential Crisis?

  1. you are working the process everyday. the miracle of courage everyday…and you are beginning to see your progress. Yay! Hugs! Be easier and more loving to yourself! you are remarkable, resilient and relentless. Give yourself a pat on the back, a smile. look in the mirror and say I love you!! You deserve that.

    Liked by 1 person

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