As I write this blog, Isabelle is flying to Bulgaria to embark on a summer in Europe and Israel. I am so excited for her and hope she has the time of her life but with that being said, this trip did not come without some anxiety. 😧 Isabelle really wanted to go away with her friends however as we hit almost the one year mark of Robin’s death, she is reliving the last moments with her father. 😢 She was nervous to leave me and her grandmother in fear that another tragedy would strike while she was gone. I am saddened to think she had concerns and maybe I exercised some bad humor by telling her that if anything happens, we will just let her know upon her return. Obviously this was not an appreciated comment but I wanted to ease the tension. 😬🤔I assured her that grandma and I would be very careful and that she did not need to worry.
Once again it is summer and very hard to believe that we are coming around to the one year anniversary of his death. This year was the most difficult of our lives and at times felt endless and really dragged, especially in the winter. But now, as July approaches, twelve months later without Robin, it feels like yesterday. I miss him so much and yet some of my memories of him are starting to fade, which is scary. 😰❤️ I suppose it is healthy to help those grieving move forward but it also stirs up guilt when the stories from the past of him are getting foggy. Mourning and healing is so fascinating and it is true that time does heals. 🌈 Don’t get me wrong, I am sad and wish he was still with me. I feel cheated that he left us so young and way too soon. Yet on the other hand, I am adjusting to my new future and it is starting to feel a little more natural.
I have gotten much more spiritual having gone through this experience and ironically feel a deeper connection with Robin. He is our protector and I now leave it in his hands to help us through challenging times and to step in when we need it. I don’t worry as much as I used to and that is a big accomplishment! I bet he is saying in heaven “she had to wait for me to die to stop being so nervous?”😋 I know that he has our back and I am just a little more confident and certain more than I ever have been before. There are daily signs that let me know he is with and supports us. If it is the Robin Red Breast in my yard🐥or certain obstacles miraculously working out, it is very comforting. I feel a little more secure as I maneuver life and parent Isabelle. What a guy I had? I feel more loved than I ever had before from him. 😘 What we had was truly special and eternal and I am forever grateful. However, I also know it is time for me to get my life back too. ☀️
I hope over the next month while Isabelle is on her trip and having a positive life changing experience and growing up, I am going to start work on myself. It is time for better eating (as I stuff my face with the best vegetarian sandwich – tomorrow I promise😉), more exercise 🏃🏻♀️and getting focused on new goals to live my best life. Isabelle is watching and she needs to know that she does not need to worry about me…. Boy I wish Robin was in the picture… this is terrifying and tough .. but I am taking it on. Wish me luck !!!!🤞
By the way, this is blog post #43. Nine more to go to fulfill my commitment to myself. After the last post, I will retire widows-diary.com as it has served its purpose. It is getting to be time. 🎬