On July 23rd, it will be one year since Robin died and I have to be honest that the last few weeks have been kind of rough for me. 😢 I am not sure exactly why raw emotions are emerging that are similar to what I experienced when he passed. Maybe as my friend Laura suggested, one year represents a sacred or suspended amount time dedicated to Robin and now it is coming to end. I suppose she may be right. I gave myself a year to mourn and now as it is closing out, I have to accept that I must go on without him …and the blog. On a side note, six more postings – but who is counting? (me) 😬😬😬 I am getting super bored with it. 🙄
Ok, back to the sad story… 😘 I can’t stop thinking that Robin has been gone an entire year – that is a really long time. It went so slow and at the same time so fast. There were some days and nights that were endless and yet now here we are. 😕 I just don’t even know what to think or feel about it anymore. I wonder if our roles were reverse and I was gone – what would have happened? I am sure Robin would have been married to another lucky lady living off the hefty life insurance – haha 😂 I know for a fact, he would not have written a blog for everyone to read. I am sure he is rolling his eyes in heaven at me…🤪
As Robin’s death date approaches, I try to remember what we were doing, thinking and feeling a year ago this week? I know Robin and I were spending a lot of time together as Isabelle was at camp. He was doing a ton of clean up in the backyard (reverse nesting? 🤔). We were running errands together, trying new restaurants and binge watching Homeland (until he bailed half way through season 7☠️). It was a nice and relaxing being with him. I really felt that we were reinventing the marriage and very content. He was being emotionally available which I appreciated since I had bugged him about not being so present for over a decade 😆. I remember we didn’t feel well and I stayed home from work believing we may have caught a slight bout of food poisoning. I felt better after a day but he was still not 100 percent and I did not think anything of it. Little did I know what we would be experiencing the following week. I remember Robin had a good talk with Isabelle as she decided to call him late one evening. I was jealous but glad they connected with one another. He, of course, gave me very little detail about what they discussed but shared it was nice. I remember cramming to get Isabelle’s bedroom organized and wanting to surprise her when she returned from camp, This is the loop currently playing in my head and questioning what could I have changed to affect the outcome. Hindsight is 20/20 and there were a ton of signs that I did not notice because I was not paying attention. What if I clued in earlier? What if I had called the doctor on Friday instead of Sunday? What if … What if…. ???
Even though I have regrets and miss Robin at the deepest level possible, I also have received many gifts and blessings in the last year. I am grateful that Isabelle and I have weathered the storm and our relationship is stronger than ever. ☀️I am grateful that I have amazing friends who have stepped up to the plate. On a side note, Marla made me the most special scrapbook celebrating our 50 years of friendship (OMG – can you believe it! Most pictures are cute except a few when we clearly did not have good hair products available and we chose very bad layered hairstyles – should I even say more?) 👭I am grateful that I did not have to worry about finances. 💰💰I am grateful for new friends who have supported me with the dogs, cooking and general household matters. I am grateful that I chose to look forward rather than obsess in the past (well except a few blogs including this one). 🤭 I am grateful that I feel connected with Robin and have called him in many times when I could not handle something on my own and he has answered.❤️ I am grateful that I finally figured out the water issue in the backyard (can you say hell ya!!).💧 I am grateful for Laura and Ella who are exceptional and adorable puppies. 🐶🐶 Most of all I am grateful that Isabelle and I are survivors, thrivers and we have grown from this whole experience.
So all and all, it has been a tough month for me full of many would ofs and should ofs … However, I don’t want to minimize these feelings and memories because Robin was just that special and worth it!!! I can handle some pain because our life together was pretty fricken awesome while it lasted. Love you honey always and forever. 😘❤️❤️
Widow's Diary 