For the last few weeks, I have been seeing tons of robins which I guess is not a strange occurrence in MI anymore. But there is one in particular that shows up in my backyard and just sits there and looks at me. He has a big barrel chest – and just reminds me of my honey. 😇 Robin has been on my mind a lot over the last few weeks, much more than usual. I guess I really miss him… especially when I have to make decisions I never wanted to make EVER… namely house things – should I get a new microwave, put in a sprinkler system, or refinance the mortgage? Would he approve of how I am parenting Isabelle; would he be on board with my advice to her, the amount of space I am or am not giving her? You see, I feel a responsibility to honor what I believe he would want to do in any particular situation. I guess I still feel an obligation to keep up my part on Team Borr – even though it’s just me now. (Of course, Isabelle is there me too– just off at college not involved in these decisions)
One thing I do know, Robin would not want me to hang onto the past.🙄 He was not one to wallow, more of a …move forward kind of guy. I think he would tell me enough with these sappy blogs 🤮about him, go out and enjoy life – get LAID (he would totally tell me that)!! 🏌️♂️And for the most part, I believe I have been doing a good job of pushing ahead with gratitude and making the most out of my time here on earth. 🙌🏻However I would be lying if I did not admit to a few weak moments.
Now, to be clear, the years/time have eased the pain and there is generally peace and joy.✌🏻❤️ I am able to find the pleasure in simple moments such as walks outside, catching up with old friends or improving my home management skills. 🏠On a side note, I just bought Martha Stewart’s Homekeeping Handbook and I never thought I would be obsessed with the right type of cleaning product or how to organize the kitchen drawer. 🪣🧽Still new to this – I will keep you updated as I progress. Ok back to the point I was trying to make… yet I still feel a disconnect, a void that he filled, and I did not even realize it until he was gone.💡We were like Star Trek Vulcans 🖖🏻– we had mind melds – he just got me. I forgot how much he made me laugh with his quick one liners and sarcastic wit. 🤣Now I crack a joke that he would have totally played off of and all I get is dead air… wah wah wah 🥸I miss errands he ran for me at odd times to pick up my strange cravings. 🚘🍭🍱🌮 By the way, I just learned that my Love Language is Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Meaning I love a guy who tells me I am fabulous and will fix my roof – MAKES ME WARM THINKING ABOUT IT.🪚🔧🪜 Robin had me pegged (except over the years, his handyman skills really diminished. oh well) so all those errands, favors and props were just what I needed.
Anyways, it is sometimes tricky to play the role of a widow. You never want to forget your deceased spouse, but you don’t want to get stuck in the past either. I have tried hard to balance it. ⚖️ How do you honor the person, keep them alive in your heart and not allow it to hinder you from moving forward? 🕰 How do you hold it as a part of your life but not your entire life? 💔It is difficult sometimes. I suppose it is survivors’ guilt in a way … how can I be content living when he did not make it? I do not know … still figuring things out but these feelings are real.
Tomorrow is Robin’s birthday, and he would have been 55. It is tough to think he has been gone almost three years. left us at 52. To say the world has changed is an understatement and I know in my soul, I am glad he did not have to experience the pandemic, but there are certainly days that his presence is greatly missed.☹️ Maybe just maybe that bird shows up to let me know he is around and with us. 🙏🏻At least that is what I would like to think is happening. Happy Birthday honey… we are doing well most of the time just have some vulnerable spots along the way.❤️